I’m very picky it comes to making friends. 

Or even using the term friends to refer to people. 

In my first year of university, the residents in my hostel referred to me as cold, as I would often say,

‘ I don’t have any friends, I just hang out with y’all.’

Or correct someone when they referred to me as their ‘friend’. 

Almost in my third year, I sometimes look back and realize that was probably very cold of me.

So instead I developed a checklist that anyone who I wanted to be friends with would have to pass. Otherwise they remained an acquaintance or a coursemate.

Anyone who was smart or interesting was someone I wanted to keep close hence why I developed this list.  

1. ‘I don’t make female friends, females are… And then goes ahead to insult them and finishes it up with but you’re different from them’ 

If they say anything remotely close to this within the first few seconds of me meeting then it’s a no from me. I’ve just generally had bad experiences with any friendship that starts out this way. 

2. ‘I don’t gossip’ 

This just screams Liar. Everyone gossips, some just worse and more harmful than others. So if you’re already telling me this, then I don’t trust you. It feels like you’re trying to convince yourself that you don’t gossip rather than me.

3. An easy test I use is to find someone I see you walking around with and then speak ill of that person when they’re not around and see your reaction.

Do they support the person? Or Do they take the bait? 

4. How they react when I accomplish something. 

This is one which I look out for everyday amongst my friend group. 

How do they react when I announce a good news? 

Are they passive?

down plays my success? 

Fakes the happiness? 

Or genuinely happy? 

Trust me if they’re not genuinely happy for you, you will be able to tell from a mile away. 

Or did they celebrate the accomplishments of strangers and disregarded mine? 

5. How they react to other’s issues in the group? 

Let me share a practical example. One day I was talking to a friend about another friend in the group who I was closer to but this person wasn’t and speaking on the issues she was facing in her relationship and the first response that this friend made was, ‘Thank God I’m not in a relationship as I can’t deal with this.’

It wasn’t what was said but how it was said, in the most demeaning of ways. 

A friend of ours was having a break down and that was what you say? 

Immeditely that person fell from my list. 

6. What’s their relationship with money?

This was a key component for me. 

Could I lend them money and be assured that I would get my money back? 

Did they get defensive with money ? 

7. Were they honest? 

A dishonest fellow can be sniffed out a mile away. When I asked them a question could I be sure that I would get an honest response.

 This may not be a criteria for some but it was for me, I didn’t want to be friend’s with someone who would only kiss up to me. 

8. Would they stick to their word? 

Could I trust what they said? 

Or were they fond of twisting their words and kissing up to their peers that they loathed and would take no time to tear them apart when behind close doors? 

9. Did they stand for something? 

I am a strong believer of if you don’t stand for something then you stand for nothing. 

What were they passionate about?

What was their stance on women right’s, abortion rights, LGBTQ rights? 

Even if they differed from mine, at least take a stand. 

10. Could they hold a good conversation? 

This is very importanat for me when I am forming any kind of bond. I love when I can talk to someone about everything and anything. Someone on the same wave length as me even if we had different opinions. 

11. What was their reaction when I spent money on them? 

 I am the kind of person to spend money on my friends because their happiness makes me happy. But I have learnt that people would try to take advantage of me. 

For this very reason, I watch how they react when this happens? 

Do they take me for the ride and start to grow a feeling of entitlement towards my money? 

This was something I watched closley for. Do they not bother to reach for their purse/wallet when we go out to eat because they assume I would cover the bill. 

The moment I notice this, I might not pull away immediately but be rest assured that they have  dropped far below on my radar and what ever relationship we had would be cut in the nearest future. 

12. Can I talk to them about my mental health?

Even if not fully, could they understand or relate to what I was feeling. 

I have a friend that fit perfectly into this category. A friend who was always down to listen to me ramble on for hours and still give me objective feedback. 

It takes a lot for me to open up about my mental health to someone. If you think we’ve been friends for a while and I have never talked to you about my mental health, Chances areyou don’t hold that much value in my life. 

Closing Remarks 

I see myself in a lot of ways like a mirror, no one stands in the mirror and is surprised by their reflection. 

If you are honest with me, I would be honest with you also. 

For you to be able to give any of these positive qualifies you must first have them. 

How I treat people determines on where you are ranked on my list, if you were at the top then expect VIP treatments whenever you call I will answer, respond to your text immeditaely, give you honest feedback knowing it would be reciprocated. 

But if you were somehwere in the middle , giving me half energy and everything then expect the same. 

If you were at the bottom then expect the same. 

Now we have the exception of those who passed some of the tests and failed the rest, well I would mirror your energy in the ones you passed but shut you out in the other areas. 

One thing I’m sure of is there is never scaricity of bridges in this lifetimes so I can burn off ones that don’t matter much.