This speaks to me in ways that words would fail me if I tried to descrie it. I am a perfectionsit, I’m not proud about it but I am keeping it real.

However we are not here to talk about my perfectionist tendencies today but to talk about a minute aspect of that perfectionism which is also a sign of hypervigilance.

And that is not wanting to be caught being unproductive.

You see when you are perfectionist, you are an incredible high achiever and you want to come out on top always, this is competitiveness times 100.

And with that you never want the competition to catch you being unproductive. With perfection that competition is everyone.

If someone beside me is reading then I feel the urge to pick up my book and read longer hours than said person.

However, even when I am relaxing, I hate when someone sees me. I hate when someone catches me pressing my phone instead of reading. I have a roommate in school, and the amount of times I flinch whenever I hear her knock and scurry to drop my phone and act I was productive the whole time she was away.

Where it gets worse is that this person might be a random stranger and I still wouldn’t be caught lounging around. I understand that I am not the only one that struggles with this but it’s incredibly hard for me to fully relax around other people.

To an outsider, I seem like the model student who is always reading and is on top of school work but in real life, I’m panicking wondering when everyone can leave the room so I can fully relax.

I am one of those people who will leave my books open to seem busy even when I can’t concentrate on what I’m reading but just to keep up the facade. I used to leave my laptop open just to pretend like I was working so people wouldn’t think I was slouching off or playing around.

I have slowly come to understand that one, no one is even paying that much attention to me and two, it’s okay to relax and I shouldn’t feel guilty for it. I am allowed to relax and I do not seek permission or validation for relaxing.

I don’t need to always be working, cleaning or studying just so I can be seen as productive. Even now, I still struggle with truly relaxing when others are around and I do my best relaxing when I’m alone.

But I also understand it’s not just a people’s problem, it’s a mind problem because even when no one is around, my mind reminds me that I should be ‘productive’ .

If you experience this and have any suggestions on what you have tried and worked, let me know in the comments.

I end on this note, Never feel guilty for taking a rest.