Happy New Month & in the same breath Happy Birthday to me. 

I’m writing this at exactly 11:45am on the 30th of April, 2025. 

If you’ve been reading my blog over the past 2 years, I usually write a letter addressed to my new age but this time we’re doing something different. Today we’ll just talk. 

For the longest time I’ve hated my birthdays. I was one to not even plan anything special out for me because I was waiting for the right time to be happy. Waiting for everything to fall in place for me and then I would finally get the birthday of my dreams. The weeks leading up to my birthday were hell-ish. I found myself in this state of sorrow and numbness. I would get caught up in thinking so hard about what the new age signifies and all the goals I want to accomplish. I’d make a list of all the things I had achieved or thought I had achieved. It was the only task I enjoyed doing. Then I didn’t celebrate my birthday because I didn’t think my birth was anything special or worth celebrating. 

So I’d lay down and just pray that the day passes by quickly. 

Until 2 years ago when everything changed … 

I had this epiphany, it was almost like I was fed up with how my life had turned out up until that point. I didn’t want to be sad anymore at least not on my birthday. 

I got into the habit of planning what I wanted to do weeks before the big day. I was tired of waiting around for someone to notice that I existed too, that it was my birthday and I was worth celebrating. I know it sounds silly now but it wasn’t until one particularly long birthday 3 years ago that I decided to make the switch. I remember clearly how I felt and the promise I made to myself to never let it to that point again. 

The best way I can describe the feeling is it felt like I was floating but my head was in the water and my feet were up. I was running out of air and all I needed to do was lift my head up to breathe but I couldn’t do that. I hate that feeling 

It took me a while to admit that I felt this way back then and I still now just not at often. When you take centre stage in your life you begin to see things differently. 

It’s a new chapter… 

not necessarily good or bad but it was new. 2 years ago I decided to go out on my birthday. I got a cake, a venue and of course some friends. I had an okay time. I wasn’t jumping from the roof tops happy but I wasn’t sad. I felt like I could breathe again. Like I was starting to swim upward before I sank to rock bottom. 

I had a few good laughs that day and even though they didn’t know to the extent I was grateful for the friends who showed up. In a time when I was thought I was invisible they made me feel seen. 

Fast forward to Last year.. 

I had a plan. A well ironed out, laid out in a spreadsheet plan. I was going to be cloud 9 happy and no one could stop me, even if they tried. 

I got a cake, did a photo shoot, celebrated with friends and got so many wishes I was excited to read them all. 

It was one of my quirkiest traits, I saved up all the good wishes I got on my birthday in a folder and would read them when I was down. Doing this made me happy, it reminded me that I wasn’t unlikable despite what I had always been told. It kept me here. I love them for each has a special place in my heart. 

I keep these wishes for myself so when my heart is burdened and my heads underwater, they give me the strength to turn over and breathe. To keep afloat until I’m whole again. 

This year it’s bigger and better … 

I’m now fully dedicated to making myself feel the best on my birthday. No better person to do it than me. 

I’ve booked a nail appointment, a hair appointment, ordered myself some gifts because I want them, a new dress, cute heels… the list continues. Safe to say I’m more than excited for tomorrow. That anxiety I usually feel around my birthdays is gone, now I look forward to it like it’s my Christmas. 

Author’s Note:

It’s now May 2nd. I had fun yesterday in case you were wondering 🫶🏼