Not knowing your fight language or your partner’s is one of the mistakes new couples make. 

This single simple information will save you so many headaches, sleepless nights and pent-up frustration. 

Just like we have love languages [ words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, Gift giving and quality time] there are also fight languages. 

According to Jay Shetty, as discussed in his book 8 Rules of love, there are 3 main fight languages. 

And you should know which one you are and study those around you to better understand them. 

The first language is the ‘Venter‘

 If you’re a venter then you like to focus on the hard facts and details of the arguments, you won’t budge until you’ve figured out a solution to resolve the argument. 

You often go off on long monologues and try to get every single fact and detail correct. For example, let’s say you were arguing over the jar of peanut butter which was left open.

If your partner states that it was on the shelf and not the counter like you know it was, you would zero in on this fact and attempt to correct this. This is such an insignificant detail in the grand scheme of things and zeroing in on this fact can be more infuriating to your partner.

These types want to get to the solution as fast as possible, you want the issue to be resolved with a snap of your finger but that’s not how relationships work, some issues take longer to resolve. 

Being in this state can make your lover feel trapped, suffocated or not heard so in these moments pause and try to take into account the emotions of your partner and take a breather.

Every issue doesn’t have to be resolved immediately, so take some time and work through it to get to the bottom of it. 

Ask yourself, 

‘What caused this fight?’

‘How does my partner feel?’ 

‘What could I have done better?’ 

This way you’re working through the roots of the problem rather than zooming off to the solution. 

The second type is the ‘Exploders‘ 

This type can be incredibly destructive like a Bomb, KA BOOM! 

If you’re an explorer, you tend to allow the emotions to build up inside you, you keep quiet, take it all in until you let it all out in one fatal blow. 

The issue when you let it out, you go all in and speak before you can think. You would be shocked by what you said and feel blindsided by your emotions. 

And guess who else will feel blindsided?

 That’s right, your partner. 

When we don’t speak before we say things that we can’t take back and things we don’t mean but that won’t matter because the words have been said. 

And there’s no going back. As a grenade with the pin pulled, you destroy everything in sight and well the dust and rumble are cleared you’re left to deal with the aftermath which is your hurt partner. 

With this type, it’s best to try not to bottle it up. 

Don’t keep it all in, you’re not 5 anymore when you didn’t like some of the things your parents did but kept it inside anyway. 

You’re in a relationship so it should feel that way. And if you feel like you’re about to explode, walk away. 

Take a stroll and walk off the emotion then come back when you’re more aware of your actions. 

The third type are the ‘Hiders‘

If you’re a hider then you easily get overwhelmed in arguments and want to shut down. You feel the need to be left alone and just be with your emotions so you can process them. 

You either shut down emotionally and become unresponsive or you leave the room. If you’re a hider you often need a bit of space when you’re feeling a lot and you’re aware that if you don’t get that space you’ll say something you will come to regret.

 Hiders tend to want to retreat to their shell and feel then come back at a later date to discuss what happened. 

This style can make your lover feel confused and abandoned, or make them feel at fault. So it’s key to express that you need space and time yourself.

‘I understand what you’re saying but I need some space to think, can we regroup in an hour?’ 

Express this to your partner and take that time to regroup and figure out what you’re feeling. 

I am a hider. It takes me a long while to figure out what I’m feeling so I ask for space a lot. 

As a hider, I can tell you that if that space that we seek isn’t given and we feel pressured into talking we adopt the exploding style. 

Relationships are a tough cookie but with time and understanding on both sides it can be incredibly beautiful

Let me know your fight style in the comment section